Recipe for men :number 373
Beans on Toast
This recipe starts on shopping day when you have to select the right tin, don’t whatever you do allow your missus to pick the tin, even the big ladies will pick the wrong tin and destroy the meal before its even started. Scan the aisle until you find a good quality brand. None of that cheap shit, it will only give you problems of a digestive nature. For jaysus sake, keep away from the low fat option. Think about it logically the only thing light can be the sauce and that’s meant to be made out of tomatoes so how in god’s name are you supposed to be eating fat free tomatoes. Don’t be minding the sugar bullshit if you are desperate enough to cook any of my recipes then a bit of sugar is the least of your problems.
Tin of beans
Slice pan preferably white and full of sugar (see above)
Sliced ham (again none of that real cheap shit but no need for the mad dear stuff a few chemicals will only do you good)
A cup of tea
Sunday evening you have to wait until the wife is giving out about you been good for nothing because you won’t get up off your arse and do her the tea especially since seemingly she cooks every other day of the week. Of course all of this white noise will just go in one side and out the other (a bit like the beans later on). You look up from the sofa and say something along these lines
“Of course darling I will do beans on toast now in a minute”
She will give out even more about you been so useless that you are only fit for cooking that kind of rubbish, but you have implanted the idea in her head. You then pretend to fall asleep and wait until you smell the sweet odour of tomato sauce wafting in the air. At this stage you jump up and run out to the kitchen, trying not to injury the children or step on the cat (again) on the way. You proceed to take a load of bread out of the bag and put them in the toaster. You then tell the wife to sit down and you take over stirring the beans, this of course may give you a chance of some matrimonial benefits later on, of course the smell of you will most like counteract the slim chance you have.
This is where it gets tricky you have to time the toasting while preventing the beans from sticking to the end of the pan. This is a tricky thing for a man as it involves doing more than one thing at the same time but just take deep breaths and try your best. Once the toast is done butter it with real butter (that spread stuff will kill you eventually, it’s made out of cow dung and donkeys liver fat).
Cut the toast into squares or maybe triangles (it’s known that bread tastes better when cut into triangles it’s a scientific fact proven by Irish Mothers) and cover the plate with the resulting tasty shapes.
Continue to heat the beans until a few bubbles appear, make sure you don’t feck it all up by boiling the bejaysus out of them boys. This is vital, don’t take the eyes of the ball. Boiled beans are brutal. When heated pour them over the triangles making sure not to spill too much on the counter top.
If you remember put some toast down for the wife and leave a plate out for her to sort herself out.
Boil the kettle and make a cup of tea and put a spoon of honey to sweeten it. Honey is mad healthy so this one step will convert your tea into a healthy option. Don’t try and make the tea at the same time as the beans and toast because excuse the language now, you will fuck it up. Remember you are a man and we are incapable of doing two things at once not to mind three. If you try then you will most likely burn the house down so just don’t be acting the bollix and just wait for the end to make the tea.
Sit at the table and rip up a few slices of ham and mix into the beans this is an option because men need meat at all meals, it’s to ensure the smooth running of our constitution. Finally mill into the meal ignoring everything until the end, only rising your head to take big sups of tea.
Afterwards it is recommended to put the plate and cup into the dishwasher just in case you are still in with a chance of some love later on. Also sitting close to a door or open window is a good option in the aftermath as the beans and ham hit your digestive system.
Frank McGivney 18.01.15