Tag Archives: paddy

Paddy Faces the Dragons Fire

Paddy Goes to the Dragons

 

Well now there you are the five of you and you all looking grand so you are. My self and the wife are here to extract a fist of money of you lot. We would like about €100000 for a small lump of our Business. Say hello to the people Sheila.

Hello

She doesn’t have a lot to say for her-self in the company of strangers, not that you lot are really strange. But you should hear her at home she never stops yapping. Anyway so we haven’t really got a name for the business yet so we are fine going with whatever you lot come up with. At the moment we call it the pen. Sheila said to ask when we would get the money and could half of it be in cash, she is a devil for the cash. So if you have any questions fire away

Hello Paddy, you haven’t told us what it is you are selling

The pen

The pen

It’s like an echo in her, yeah the pen.

Perhaps you can enlighten us as to what its function is?

What doesn’t it do is the question

What doesn’t it do then?

Well it doesn’t keep asking questions for one.

Paddy tell the people what its does

Right Sheila, enlighten us, my arse. Anyway it’s for the young lads and lassies in the exams. It helps them out. Sure those exams are shocking difficult, the young lad took to growing plants out the back garden, beside her self’s rhododendrons, the year of the leaving cert. Stone raving lunatic mad so he was, up there in the bedroom carrying on with himself and smoke coming out of the bedroom window, the cat was going around all queer after it stepped in to say hello to the wee pup.

So how does it helps them?

Well you see what it does now is simple enough so it is. It have a bit of an auld computer there in the body of it and it scans the questions from the exam paper, then the young lad has it set up to look up the answers on the google and there’s a wee display there and the young lads and lassies are sorted

Is that not cheating paddy

Oh god no I wouldn’t be one to condone that cheating carry on.

I think it may be

Ah no I wouldn’t believe in cheating, all it is, in a way, is a cut of stress relief. I think the doctors should be prescribing this to the students. It stops them having to study.

Sounds like cheating

Now cut out the messing boy, it’s not cheating at all, its just a bit of assistance. All that book learning couldn’t be good for you, no wonder all the young people are in need of doctoring.

And how much does it cost to make?

Oh we don’t make them

Well how do you expect to sell them then?

Ah no a wee company over in china makes them, the young lad found them on the computer

Is there a patent on it?

Ah no it wouldn’t have anything as fancy as that now, it just comes with nothing on it and we put them in a big cardboard box and sell them in the market. Matty Ryan, the brother in law on the wife’s side built us a lovely stall, painted it green white and yellow on account of the Easter rising and all that auld malarkey

And what are your sales projections?

Well now let’s see there. Right in the first year we expect to sell a heap of them, then in year two god willing, we will sell an even bigger pile of them. Be year three sure jaysus we will be selling bucket loads of them.

Can you be a bit more accurate?

Well in year three now boss, we will be going into the Americas. Over to New York and Dallas.

I want to see the Ewing house

We talked about this Sheila

Well I’m going to see it

Right well whatever. Anyway, dragons the American’s love the technology so they do, no doubt about it so we will sell a fecking load of them over there, sure they would buy anything, we will put a big harp and a shamrock on it and away we go.

Okay well because I have no pen experience I am declaring myself out

You don’t look like the examing type anyway

I think it illegal so I’m out

Feck sake

I couldn’t possibly understand a word you are saying so I am out

Good luck to you

I have no money to invest and am just here for the publicity so I am declaring myself out

I knew be the look of you

Let me think here now, I am willing to make you an offer

Good man yourself, fire away big fella

Yes €20000 for 30% of the business

You what

You heard me, do you want to think about it

Think about it are you having a laugh? You see we only have 5% left. I have 20% on account of me being the boss, the wife has 20% because she is the wife. The son has invested €20000 from selling the leaves from his plants and owns 20%. Joe Lynch the local postman said he will arrange for free delivery so he has 15%, the mother in law supplies the cardboard boxes and make ham sandwiches for the market days and grand flasks of tea, You haven’t drank the likes of it anywhere so she has 20% and she is a bit on the cantankerous side so you don’t want to be disturbing her share.

I couldn’t offer any better

Ah go on

No

Go on, go on, go on out of that

No

Ah well thanks anyway, now come here give us back them pens we gave out to you lot earlier, you not keeping them you shower of shaggers.

 

 

Paddy and Sheila drift out into the twilight with their pen and their dreams intact.

 

 

 

 

© Frank McGivney 02.06.16 (lunch time half hour of madness)

Paddy tempts St Peter

Paddy tempts Saint Peter

Well
Well
There you are
Welcome Brother
good man isn’t it only your self Saint Peter
heaven awaits you
Jaysus that was easy
mmm taking the lords name in vain
what are you at
making a note
a note of what
your sins
I’m shagging well dead
mmm cursing
give it over
its says here you gave up going to mass
I didn’t believe a word of it
how about now that you are outside the gates
I’m still not sure
What more proof do you need
let me in to have a look
you have to prove yourself worthy
I could give you some money
mmmmm bribery
give over writing it all down
by the look of this you haven’t a hope of getting in
you aren’t doing so good yourself
what do you mean
well your stuck out here with me
this is where god put me
so the rest of them are inside having a whale of a time and your stuck out here with the likes of me
its is my vocation
even the boys in Hell know how they’re fixed, do they leave you in at night.
no I am always here waiting the souls
you got righty screwed for the bit of denial
I am humble in the error of my way
You’re a full gobshite,
Mmm bad language
Put down the pen for a minute and listen to me
I got this pen from Jesus himself
Did he post it to you
Well kind of
Exactly. Look come on down here with me
Where to
Down to the other side, sure give it a shot and see how you get on
You are a heathen
That I am but it could be good auld craic once the burning and stuff is over with.
Will there be girls
Loads of them, bad girls
Hang on a second
What are you doing
Posting back the pen
Good man

Francie passing five minute at lunch time

Saint Paddy’s children roam

Paddy’s Wandering Steps

 

 

He is in New York

Walking by the side

With a girl with purple hair

They would skit

Accept, not care

 

He talks in china

to the black hair geisha

In silk

Making her laugh

Touching

With hope

 

She rules in Quebec

Leading a board

Her twang from the lee

Her power from within

The Celtic queen

 

In Berlin his head

Grows grey from red

His voice the same

The bridges he drew

With pen and love

For the art they knew

 

They know us well

Its in the voice

They see the green

Among the red wisps

That flow from Celtic

Dreams of freedoms lure

 

© Francie McGivney 17.03.16

she left of a sunday

She left of a Sunday

Hello is there anyone there

Up here paddy

Is Mary about

No she went out.

Right

Make yourself a cup of tea,

Sound

Make me one too will you

Right, I didn’t see you at mass on Sunday

No I wasn’t able to get away.

Right you are, it wasn’t much good anyway

Come on up, drop of milk and one of them sugar cubes

Where are you

in the bedroom

Hi , that’s looks uncomfortable

Ah you get used to it.

Will I leave down the tea

No no give me a sup of it. Hold it there for me

Right you are

Jaysus that’s some weather hah, no wonder you’re in the nip

true, that’s a lovely cup of tea

So Mary she isn’t about

No she went out.

And left you there

Yeah she said she would be back soon

Ah fair enough so.

You wouldn’t throw the quilt over me there.

Right did she leave the keys to them

I don’t know I’m not sure.

Your hands look a bit pale.

Ah they’re grand

Fair enough are they regulation issue

She got them at a party

Ah right, I heard of those ones, the bolde Maggie ryan holds them

So was there many there

Half the women of the parish

No, at the mass

Quiet enough, loads at the early one for the match

The Usual

Yeah the usual

Give me another sup of the tea

That’s a fair small one you have there

What

You know your weaponry

Ah right

Never grew for you then

Nah that’s the length of it

Right so mary’s left then

She said she’d be back

Right so will I leave you to it

Yeah fair enough

See you then

Good luck

When did she leave by the way

Oh Sunday

Sunday, that two days ago.

Well you know yourself Sunday is fun day

Fun day?

Yeah you know, rolly polly day

Ah right, Sunday, sure that’s right

Right

Right do you think she will come back

She usually does

Has she gone before

Ah yeah, regular

Ah right

Right

Good luck then

Bye thanks for calling, give Josie my best

Fair enough

paddy and the referendum

I could see it in the look they were displaying

What could you see?

The lord himself.

Did you bless yourself?

No, I laughed

You’re damned

No doubt and do you want to know the worst bit

The fires and the stakes

Not that rubbish, no Paddy, they didn’t know

Know that you are damned

Ah here keep up, they didn’t know what was inside of them, what was leaning into their souls, what was pushing them down?

Are you sure they weren’t the crowd from the back hospital

Smart arse

Thanks

His will was pushing them down, the words they put in his mouth were weighing upon them like a big bale of damp hay, making them forget the meaning of his message.

That’s shocking

I seen it myself. Auld lads in brown suits and mad eyed auld ones in their best coats.

Did they salute you?

They did and all, with big suspicious eyes cast down upon me as if they knew.

Knew what

They knew which one I was voting yes for and which is voting know for

Well you know you do go on about queer like

The ladies like it seemingly

Yeah right

Yeah exactly.

No harm in fooling yourself

No harm at all

So what else

The girls at the desk

I know

Yeah good for the humour or what

I’m still smiling after the look of them

Should last a few days

The weekend even

Would you by the way?

What?

You know with a fella

Only if he had long hair, real boobs, smooth legs and no willy

What about a pair hanging

Nah better without them either

A Brazilian

Spanish even

Good night

Good luck

What’s wrong with been happy. (Bad language and cursing so read with caution if you are of a sensitive disposition)

Them Americans with their have a nice day what a load of shite,
Sure now patsy isn’t it grand for them
What’s fucking grand about it
Well you know they’re all smiles and happy
They are in their bollox
Ah now patsy
Listen you can’t be happy all the time it’s not natural. You have to stand back of a day and be miserable auld fucker some days and will I tell you why
I’m sure I couldn’t stop you and you knowing so much about been miserable
There’s no need to be casting dispersions now. I’ll tell you why because if your happy all the jaysus time then you get immune to it. It’s like marriage and sex.
Ah here we go
Well now hold on . You are married to the same woman for 50 years and by jaysus it’s like eating paper in the bedroom and brown paper at that. It’s the same with been happy. That’s why Irish people are content.
Why is that now
Because we like been miserable. We like the rain so we can be wet and miserable and we love funerals . There’s nothing like a good funeral remember francie reillys funeral that was a great night
Ah you never see the likes of francie again the mean bastard that he was.
He forgot where his pockets were for holding anything only handkerchiefs and thought they were for scratching himself on the sly
He was for ever at himself in the pockets
Anyway the big thing about been miserable is that it makes the good things seem even better
What you on about
A sunny day is brighter when it has followed a dark one. Same with happiness. It’s like seeing an Italian woman after a lifetime of only seeing bacon and cabbage women
Those Italians are the girls
There eating and drinking in them sure enough

The farmer boy

That’s all he had to do to keep them away from him. Just rub a bit of cow manure on himself and the smell kept them at bay. It was a shame to do it to the Sunday best and often the mother would give out shocking to him. But at least it kept them at a distance and even if they ventured close enough to use fists on him well then the smell would stop it quickly.
He would cry years later in a field in West Virginia when that pungent smell hit his nose from where he had stepped in a big pile of manure from an American Cow. It brought back the sense of those hardy lads, the bullies who made themselves out to be big men when all they were really was cowards and bollixes of the highest order.

‘Come here paddy” their words used to freeze his mind and body as they called him from the broken wall where they sat, laughing and gouling about everuone that had the misfortune to pass them by. A good kisk up the arse is what them corner boys need is what my mother used to say. I had a gun and bullets in my mind.

Extract from a novel I may write some day . Wrote on phone so excuse spelling etc. is mise le meas mo chairde

IMG_1033.JPG

Paddy in London

Paddy went down to London Town to see what he could see. But all that paddy could see was grey and shadows and dreams of more and people with less. So paddy got on a train and he ended up in Scotland. On a craggy mountain top he stood looking to the horizon to see what he could see and all that he could see was grey and goats . But the grey had a depth and among it was sprinkling of green and in the green were yellows and reds and white. The goats were chewing and they looked at him with wizened eyes and the wind whispered with its cold embrace into his soul.
When he arrived back in the land of saints and scholars where idiots ruled and money was a god he turned to his wife and he replied to her question of what he had seen.
” I seen fields of green and red roses.Grey building and hungry souls too. But what I didn’t see was all I desired”
” and what do you desire ” she asked
“You” was all he needed to say as the smell from the turf rose to smoke the walls of the house where their children had been born and raised and life was lived in the pursuit of love and laughter and the wealth of family joy

Paddy’s temper

“Well Feck you and the rest of them”

“Now Paddy cool down boy, Remember what happened the last time”

“What are you on about, you gobshite”

“There you go again just like the last time”

“I cant remember a last time”

“You see that’s what I’m talking about”

“Jaysus your a fucking pain in the arse”

“Ah there it is, the head is gone again”

“I am perfectly calm”

“No your not”

“Listen to me you scuttering little shite I am perfectly calm, there’s not a bother on me”

“Remember the river and the tinkers from last summer”

“That was a pure accident”

“Some of them are still recovering after it”

“They were up for it so they were and it was nothing to do with me”

“The hurley had your name carved on it”

“That could have been any Paddy McCabe”

“That John Jo Ward has still a terrible case of the shakes after what you and that Sheila Reilly one did to him”

“Ah now leave Sheila out of it, She’s as pure as a sheep on a mountain”

“There’s a lot of rams roaming the mountains”

“There is to be sure”

To be continued

Paddy Drinking whiskey

“Slainte Padraig”

“Yeah right, Slainte me arse, give me a Jameson will you?”

“Pleasant as ever I see”

“What did you say?”

“I was just saying it was a pleasant day today,”

“Its shagging raining cats and dogs outside how can that be pleasant?”

“Ah sure I’m just happy to see all my customers happy”

“Fecking gobshite”

“What’s bit your arse?”

“The wife”

“There men pay money to get women to do that you know”

“You watch too many of them blue movies you know, your turning into a right dirty fucker”

“Yeah must be the company”

“She is leaving me”

“Ah here no way Paddy why is that?”

“She says I’m a cantankerous auld bastard and no woman could put up with me.”

“That’s terrible Paddy, and she willing to  put up with you for years and then using that as an excuse”

“What the hell are you talking about? I’m no more cranky than any man”

“”Of course not sure aren’t you the light of day itself”

“Women they don’t know what’s good for them.”

“What are you doing here, should you not be at home trying to hold on to her”

“Not at all sure its grand and quiet there now with out her”

To be continued